Step One

Thank you for deciding to place an order with eggbeaters.com, your source for all of your online egg beater needs.

Before placing your order, you will need to register with us to become a Preferred Member of eggbeaters.com. We do this because you wouldn’t believe the number of people who want to become Preferred Members of eggbeaters.com and would do just about anything to become one. Frankly, we only want people who are serious about beating eggs to be Preferred Members and this process sorts out the riff-raff.

We promise that we will not use this information for any purpose other than making money in some form or fashion, including selling it as part of a massive list to other online vendors, even though, if pressed on the matter, we will claim we don’t do that sort of thing. Other than that, we will do everything possible to protect your privacy, unless you count random unsolicited offers for discount egg beaters.

Step Two

Oh! Look at that! You did almost everything we asked, but somehow forgot to indicate your Gender on your registration form. Please click “Return to Previous Screen” to complete the form.

Step Three

You may have noticed that even though you forgot only the “Gender” field on the registration form you have to re-type everything in all of the fields on the form. Makes no sense, of course. We know that. It’s just a little something we do for our own amusement.

Step Four

OK! Your initial registration is complete! Thanks!

Now you will need to choose a username and a password. Your password should be something you can remember easily but should also be something that no one would easily associate with you. Like, if your name is “John,” your password shouldn’t be “John.” Instead, it should be “Alvin” or, perhaps, “Gary.” Also, don’t write it down anywhere, because that might make it easier for you to remember in the future. One more thing: when that little box comes up asking you whether you want your computer to remember this password, click “No.” You’ll see why on the next screen.

Step Five

Told you that you should have clicked “No”! This happens all the time. See, your password has to be have somewhere between eight and twenty characters, at least three characters of which must be numerals, none of which can be next to each other, and the password you chose doesn’t fit the bill. This might have been useful information to share with you on the previous screen, but we want to make sure that this process is as irritating as possible. Please click “Return to Previous Screen” and enter a new password.

Step Six

Great! We’re almost done! As an added security measure, please answer the following Security Questions for you to answer in case you forget your password later on. In fact, these questions may pop up from time to time even if you do know your password, just to keep you on your toes and because it will really annoy the hell out of your spouse who is trying to log on to your account with only the username and password you thought would be more than enough information.

Security Question One: What was the name of the pet your parents said they sent to “the farm” back in grade school?

Security Question Two: Enter the date your divorce became finalized. (MMDDYYYY format)

Security Question Three: What is your favorite professional football team? If you do not have a favorite professional football team, please indicate the team that would be your favorite if you had to have one to get logged on to a Web site.

Security Question Four: If the election were held today, would you even care? Yeah, me neither.

Security Question Five: Remember that one girl back in fifth grade who was the first person to have a training bra and everybody made a big deal about it except for the girl who was actually wearing the training bra? Please indicate her middle name.

Final Step

Congratulations! You are now a Preferred Member of eggbeaters.com and are now free to continue placing your order. One thing though: that particular egg beater you chose is now Out of Stock. Please return to the Main Screen to search our vast catalog for alternative ideas.

Please note: Because our system takes 24-48 hours to fully process new registrants, you will have to re-register using a new username and password. Also, you may want to change your email address in the meantime, because it really botches things up when a person tries to register with an email address that’s already in the system. We’re truly sorry for the inconvenience.